I Survive…

After completing my dad’s funeral at the cremation ground
In darkness, I sat alone on a chair.
While within me this sadness floated around
I cradled my shattered thoughts, that I couldn’t repair.

Abandoned in this aporia I felt cold & dead
As dark thoughts, crumbled my composure.
There was a vicious war inside my head
While the devil smirked sitting on my shoulder.

My demons screamed “There’s a knife in your sight
Use it! For your sufferings would never heal.”
“Choose your last words, in your plight;
As an endless agony, your soul now begins to feel!”

Just when I geared up for the brutal bloodshed
I envisioned a vision of my mother pleading;
I hallucinated her helplessly holding my head
While screaming “Help my son’s wrists are bleeding!”

Although emotionally countless times I had died
Yet in that moment I chose to throw away the knife.
The marauding madness seemed invincible, but I survived
As for my loved ones I chose to embrace life.

I’m only human & I too have some fears
For some untamable nightmares still stream in my eyes.
Yet amidst life’s battle cry I hide my tears
I survive… & to protect others now I rise.

A dream for a better future I hope to harbor
As rising for my loved ones seems worthwhile.
For them, I hide my traumas underneath my armor
I survive… & conquer my demons with a smile.

Note: On 17th June 2014, in the morning my father had expired & it’s one of my most traumatic experiences of my life there were other things too that triggered me to try & commit suicide that night. This poem pertains to the traumatic events that took place that night & how I overcame that. Please don’t get me wrong I don’t want to glorify my real-life nightmare, instead, I want to share about it in an uncensored way with a sole desire to motivate other suffering souls to express about their silent battles. We all break and feel lost at various tormenting turns of life but we must rise & rediscover ourselves for the sake of people who depend on us. We all have a responsibility towards our loved ones, if not towards our own self. Lastly, please be kind & compassionate to others because none knows what battles they fight & survive on their own.


If you liked this post, then I humbly request you to like, comment & follow my blog. πŸ™‚

You may connect with me on Instagram: gentleman.is.quiet

72 thoughts on “I Survive…

  1. I truly felt what you wanted to say and felt that time yet, I never experienced something like that but, I applied you for being stronger for your mother. Suicide is never an answer to our suffering. It just add to our loved ones.
    And if u want to talk you know u only have to ping a message, I’ll be as your friend going to listen to ur rant no matter what it is about. U only have to reach and other things will fall in line.

    Stay happy
    Stay blessed πŸ™πŸ˜‡

    Liked by 1 person

  2. What do I say.. its like your story narrated beautifully through poetic words. Just take care. There are many things you may have and others wont. I am sure you will have atleast 5 friends by your side whenever you need them. A loss is loss. The thing that comes with no exchange or return policy.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I felt cold reading this poem, it was like the warmth in me was suddenly chilled. I never imagined that someone like you who often strengthens and encourages others would have at one point tried to end his life. It is heartbreaking to know that you’ve endured so much pain. But I’m beyond happy that you chose life over death. I’m so glad to have a friend like you, you are a blessing! I hope other people get inspired from your life. ❀️❀️❀️

    Always here for you buddy! Stay blessed! ✨

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I am glad you are still here Sidharth. Sometimes we just don’t understand why terrible things happen. The world is a better place with you in it. Love and hugs Joni β€οΈπŸ’•πŸŒΈπŸŒΊ

    Liked by 1 person

  5. We all face some circumstances and losses which we can’t ever invasion….but we heal because we have to heal…I can understand your pain and the way you always create story from your words is adorable…wishing you a blessed life ahead…keep inspiring us through your kind words…❀❀

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Hi Siddharth,
    Beautiful way of penning down your thoughts in such a transparent way. It takes a lot of courage to do what you have done. You have transpired so many thoughts for each one of us reading through your words. It is not enough to just lend a ear or know to say I know what you’re feeling. No one’s pain can be compared to the void they are feeling. All I wish is that you keep sharing your raw emotions as an outlet to feel lighter. Everyone has their muse and I’m sure you have yours too.
    Keep shining and stay humble 🌸
    Much love πŸ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry for the late response was caught up with work. If I could I certainly would have given you a hug for truly understanding that it’s not easy to write about such feelings. Your comment made me smile & yes my words would always be raw, intense and uncensored πŸ˜… thank you for appreciating my writing. Humbled by your kindness. Much love πŸ’œπŸ˜Š

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Suicide word haunts me ,at times. And to live up a situation where where it seems the only option is not easy . Maybe I can’t even imagine the pain you must have gone through that time. Now, sitting and commenting upon it us really easy ,but to be in the shoes and literally feel it ,is not!! But yaa…you found the reasons to live for, not for you but for the ones who count upon you. And that is , all what now counts. May you find the strength from the people who love you and the people whom you love!!βœ¨πŸ’«πŸŒŸ
    A very touching poem it is. πŸ’œ

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Chetna. I’m sorry for the late response was caught up with stuff. I always look forward to reading your comments as they make my heart melt with joy. The goodness of your feedback & your unconditional support never fails to make me smile. It’s a blessing to have a follower like you. Did you write anything new of late?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hey Sidharth.
        I am feeling more than happy to know that my comments are able to reach your heart. Btw, it is one of the things that i learnt from you,yk. Its not often to meet the persons who give in their best even for posting a comment. The feelings that we pour in our words have the capability to strike at the right place. And I am just learning. So a big thanks to you. Its indeed pleasure to have met you here.πŸ’œπŸ’œ
        I did write some poems but i haven’t posted it yet. Will be doing in a day or two.πŸ˜ŽπŸ˜…

        Liked by 1 person

  8. We both lost our fathers, and I wondered what part of the emotional journey we shared when I read your poem. During my dad’s lifetime, not a day passed without us spending time together. When he passed away, I lost more than a father. I lost my closest friend and my hero. Although I never considered taking my life, I did experience an emptiness I wasn’t prepared for. I asked myself often what advice my dad would give to me, and I always heard his voice in my head say, “Keep going. I’ve given you everything you need.” I decided that, in everything I did, I would strive to make him proud.
    I am grateful that you thought about your mother’s feelings and chose life. I’m sure your mother, family, and friends are grateful, too.
    With a hug, Leslie

    Liked by 1 person

  9. This is so heartbreaking. I am at a loss of words. Even though I have felt my own pain in life I have not lost my parents so I cannot comprehend the pain you felt and continue to feel every day. We all have our demons and I must say I am so happy and proud you choose to survive and live. By continuing on and helping those in life you are honoring your father’s memory. Keep fighting Sid!πŸ’—πŸ’—πŸ’—

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Life is unbelievable, those people who are precious for us that we can’t even imagine losing but they go away, Your sorrow is certainly great but your courage is the greatest…. They are visually apart but, they are always there like a courage and strength in the heart..
    Take care friend.. πŸ’•

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Nobody can replace a father. I know you have suffered a lot. All of this have made you a very strong person Sidharth. Your have battled with your fears and darkness and now you motivate others to stay positive and fight like a warrior.
    Stay blessed and keep smiling always!!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Glad you were able to find your way through that moment. I understand it was an immense struggle. I hope such pain doesn’t visit you again. But that if it does you will always find your strength to press forward in life and remember it is worth living, even for the smallest joys.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Hey Siddy, hope you’re fine right now.πŸ€—

    I don’t know how on Earth did I miss reading this. I too was a bit off WP recently so probably missed reading this one.

    I completely feel what you must have gone through. Our struggles, more or less are the same. I’m proud of the fact that you opened up about your story. Not all be so vocal about their pain.

    May the Lord give you the strength to overcome this loss.❀️

    Stay blessed, bud!πŸ˜ŠπŸ€—

    P.S – Who’s the one in the pic at the end?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re welcome, Siddy!😊 Take care.πŸ€—

        You and your dad?πŸ€” There’s no kid in the pic. I guess, you’re talking about some other pic which isn’t visible to me at least on this post.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh sorry lol thought I had added that pic but yea felt it would crowd up the stuff on the blog post. The man in the pic towards the end is Charles Bukowski, one of my favourite writer. He was a pretty bold writer in his own respect!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Humbled by your generosity but I’m on a slight hiatus from award posts, just to rediscover the poet in me as of now. Perhaps later someday when I’ll be worthy of this fantastic praise then I’ll try to live up to your expectations.πŸ™

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the mention but I’m kinda on a hiatus from writing award posts. I personally think that I need to write more at the moment to justify the love and praise that I’m receiving as of now.

      Like

    1. Thank you ever so much Anisha, somethings aren’t meant to be understood, they are just meant to be felt. I hope you never land up on a similar juncture of life but thank you for taking out time to recognise & feel the emotions without judging me. Glad you liked the poem . Thank you for your readership & support!

      Like

      1. I heartfully appreciate that you don’t want me to experience similar hardships. Thank you for the kind words, Sidharth!

        It’s my absolute pleasure reading your poems.

        Liked by 1 person

  14. I really felt the intensity of this. Thank you for posting because people need to see that they are not alone. I’m so grateful you mustered the strength to go on. And know that you are never alone ❀️❀️❀️

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I felt that.I also lost my father 18 years ago and I know how painful it was. Your father would have been so proud proud of you for being the person and poet that you are. Continue inspiring people through your heartfelt stories.
    Keep safe.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much, and I’m sorry to hear about your loss. I’m sure a part of your father would always breathe within. Humbled by your generosity and support. πŸ™πŸ˜Š

      Like

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